Usually I write a post and publish it and there are a couple of pageviews, the little counter goes up a few notches, and then nothing. Which suits me fine. I haven't really gotten out there and pushed my blog. I messaged a few people on Facebook (hey, i have this little blog thingy), and that was it. Something called Feedspot reached out and grabbed my blog, and a few folks subscribed. Which was kind of nice. I keep planning to reach out and tell more people about it, as soon as it's "presentable." Which is of course one of those indefinite terms I keep handy to apply to any project I'm busy procrastinating on. Such as my thesis. And then of course, it never gets there, and dies a slow, painful death.
But getting back to today. I hadn't posted in a while, but suddenly there was an uptick of pageviews. I clicked away from the dashboard, then clicked back later, and there were MORE. So now I'm panicked because I don't know where all you folks are coming from, and I'm not ready, I haven't posted in ten days, I'm not even dressed, the house is a mess, and suddenly people are tromping through.
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| Maudie, get out the good china, we got comp'ny! |
So, hi. I don't know where you come from, and many of you won't stay, but welcome to my little page of insanity and my struggle to be healthy.
There really hasn't been much to write about that I haven't written about already, and I hate writing in circles. I've kept a journal since I read Harriet the Spy at age 12. Sometimes I read back (not THAT far back) and it seems that I am writing the same thing over and over again, because I am stuck in the same hole that I've been stuck in for years and years. And, why write about it in a blog? I'll just wait for something interesting to happen. Some progress to be made.
Except that if I wait, I'll never post. Also, in every post I've made, I've made some kind of progress. Somehow the act of writing it out, getting the imaginary conversation out of my head where it spins and spins, and organizing my thoughts on a piece of paper or a web page seems to help me move a little further towards -- something.
If you're wondering who I am, besides the very short blurb I have on my profile page, I'm a 50-something woman, a mother and grandmother, a daughter and sister. I have studied several subjects at several universities and have not a single degree in any of them. I was diagnosed with depression in my teens, but it really didn't hit me hard until my late 20s. I have since learned that I am bipolar II, which is kind of on the spectrum between unipolar depression and bipolar I (what people think of as "classic" manic-depression). I like to write. I've always loved to write. Even though I'm depressed, I think that deep down I'm an optimist. I hold out hope that things can get better, and if not better, that at least there will be good days as well as bad. I don't take care of myself as well as I could, but when I'm depressed I don't really care about taking care of myself, so I fight a lot of inertia. I am trying to focus on creating a schedule to live by. I think that if I have a regular schedule, the inertia will go the other way -- that even if I don't feel like doing things, I'll do them anyway out of habit. Genius, right?
Well, this has gone on long enough. Hello, welcome, leave a comment, send me an e-mail, or be on your way. I don't have any brochures, and I didn't have time to make cookies. Or put on pants. So please see yourself out, but feel free to come back any time. I'll try to make cookies next time. Or at least wear pants.
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