Oh, dear, it's been quite a while since I've posted. I wish I could say that I had a good excuse. Maybe I do. First there was the trip to NYC for the People's Climate March, then there were the Jewish holidays, which, in spite of what you might have heard, are still going on. First there's Rosh Hashanah, which occurred right after I got back from the PCM, so I plunged right into that. The next week was Yom Kippur. And right after you think it's all over, Sukkot pops up and kicks you in the ass! And it's an 8-day holiday, just like Passover. So we've just started that. Not that I've really done anything about it.
When I got back from NYC, I had a day of rest then jumped right into cooking and baking for Rosh Hashanah dinner. Even though the rest of my family isn't Jewish, they do celebrate with me, and even my sister is happy to come out of her hole for brisket (I told a friend of mine about the brisket, and she declared, "I am ready to convert just for the food!"). The next day I attended a crowded shul for the first day of Rosh Hashanah. And I haven't been back since. Skipped Yom Kippur services. Missed the first day of Sukkot today. And my sleep cycle is messed up again, so I'm not optimistic for the next two days either.
It's funny, I went out with friends a couple of nights ago, to see Guardians of the Galaxy and have a few beverages. Wow, that sounds so normal. Just like a real person. It was a lot of fun. Went with an old friend from high school and his wife of two years. Anyway, we were talking, and somehow we got on the topic of antidepressants. I have no idea how this occurred. Oh, yes, I do. Anyway, I mentioned that I was on them, and they asked why. I don't like to say I'm bipolar, because that conjures up images of people gambling too much, having risky sex with strangers, suddenly winding up in Las Vegas naked in a strange bed with no memory of how they got there. Ok, some of that may have applied to me on occasion. But I digress. I don't like to say I'm depressed either, because people think that's so mild -- everybody's depressed, they say. So I said I had bipolar depression. Why not make up a diagnosis? Although I think that label is pretty descriptive of bipolar II. Mainly depressed, sometimes functional, once a year making big plans.
So anyway, the woman says, oh, I've been on antidepressants, too, it's no big deal. And I felt just a bit more validated and accepted (oh, dear, validated is such a therapy word!), despite my depression. Everybody does go through down times. Sometimes the down times are really hard. Sometimes you don't get back up again. Which pretty much describes me. But I have been so reluctant to talk about it for so long, that "coming out" as someone with a chronic mental illness is so challenging, and keeps me from forming relationships, making plans. So many things.
One thing I achieved during Yom Kippur was something I also did last year: a Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh. That means literally "an accounting of the soul." It's kind of like doing a Fourth Step in 12-Step programs (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves), and I use some fourth step materials as inspiration, as well as guides from Jewish sources.
I journal daily, ok, not daily, but whenever I can discipline myself enough to do it. And I'm pretty self-reflective. All the time. Maybe a little self-obsessed? So I'm always looking at who I am, what I am doing, how I could do better. But the Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh was important to me because I wanted to look over the entire year and see how much things had changed, or hadn't changed, from last year. What was better, what was worse, what stayed the same. So that's what I did. I wrote, then I looked at last year's Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh. And, hmmm. Well, some things have improved, some things have stayed the same. I don't think anything has gotten worse. One thing I wrote last year and this was about consistency. Forming habits and sticking with them. I blog a lot about my struggles with that. I think socially I've dropped some relationships and reinforced others and am making new ones. Spiritually I am struggling on the path of Judaism, and still seeking...something. Physically I'm not taking care of myself very well. And I waste a lot my time playing Facebook games.
I think I could have added a category, environmentally. How have I taken steps to live more lightly on the planet?
I guess I could think of a bunch more categories. But the good news is that it didn't depress me at all, which was my biggest fear.
I don't know what the next year will bring. I'm making plans for an extended stay near my daughter in Maryland. I'm looking National Novel Writing Month in the face, since it's next month. I'm really not planning too much farther than the end of the year at this point.
I have a lot to share here. A post I started about my experiences with the march. A couple of educational posts I keep chipping away at. And of course my usual blather about taking care of myself and how I don't do it. Even though Rosh Hashanah isn't like the secular New Year, where people make resolutions, I'm going to make one or two. One of my resolutions is to spend less time gaming and more time doing things like this blog. So let's see if I can do that.
