I'm reading too many news stories these days....

What's frightening about this comic from the 1980s is that there is still all that hate going on. One bright spot: there is now peace in Northern Ireland.

I like to think of myself as an intelligent person. And someone who wants to stay informed about what's going on in the world. But there's a feeling of helplessness that comes from reading all this stuff and wondering "what can I do about it?" And that can really trigger depression. There have been times when I even had to avoid even certain types of entertainment because it was too overwhelming.

I know that it's not only people with depression who have these feelings. Anyone who consumes a lot of media can sometimes feel overwhelmed by world events.

That's when a dandelion break becomes necessary.

It's possible that the media contributes to this feeling that the world sucks. There's a phenomenon called Mean World Syndrome, which suggests that the overconsumption of violent images leads to believing that the world is a more dangerous place than it really is. These studies go back far enough to show the differences when communities that previously didn't have television got it.

While I was looking this up, Google started to argue with me about whether the world is currently a more violent place or a less violent place. I'm serious. Fifty percent of the articles that came up when I typed in "the world is a violent place" said yes, it is, and the other fifty percent said, no, it's getting better.

No one can solve all the world's problems. Even the Leader of the Free World, whether Republican or Democrat.

I started my never-ending degree in Environmental Studies because I wanted to try and make some kind of difference in the world. I have participated in local protests, signed petitions, contributed to politicians that I think believe in the things that I believe in. I have tried (not always successfully) to change personal behaviors to reduce my environmental footprint and to encourage others to do the same.

There have been people who, through their actions, changed the world. But they didn't do it alone. I don't think I'm Gandhi or Rachel Carson, but maybe I'm one little person who can do some little things and make a small positive difference in the lives of a few people. Or, who knows, maybe be part of a rising tide that saves a lot of people.

Writing this, I'm suddenly remembering that I am one of those people, and that the best person to save me is myself. In AA they quote the airline emergency information: "Make sure to secure your oxygen mask before assisting others."

If you are in a crisis or in recovery from one, take care of yourself first. Ignore the news. It will still be there tomorrow. Take a dandelion break.

This is my brain on normal

My brain is like a dump site right now.

Really irritated at my sleep cycle. Or whatever it is. I just keep sleeping around the clock, going to bed later and waking up later, no matter what I do. I decide that it's because I sleep too long, so I try to sleep less, but I am not the easiest person to wake up. If I go to bed at the same time as the previous night (or morning), I end up lying in bed for two, three hours before falling asleep.

Maybe I need to invest in some more alarm clocks. I've tried a lot of them, but who knows?

This is getting to the point where it overshadows most of my other problems. I mean, it's kind of hard to see doctors or make any sort of plan when you have no idea when you are going to be awake. Already I have three appointments next week that I am in no way going to be able to make. I need to call and cancel them, and one of them is on Monday. With my psychiatrist.

I am going to call my regular doctor and see if she has any suggestions. Also I'm going to call the, um, er, lung guy (I suddenly forgot the word for this kind of doctor, I'm sure it will come to me) and ask him what the heck "poor sleep hygiene" is supposed to mean and what I'm supposed to do about it. I'm really pissed off about this. I also want a copy of my sleep study.

Pulmonologist. That's the word.

I did take a shower yesterday and get out to the store, spurred on by the absence of any diet soda in the house.

Another good thing this week was working on my thesis. I got it to a point where I felt that I could send it to my advisor. I e-mailed my advisor, and she responded, sure, send it on, and I promptly froze. I'm sure it's not enough, she's going to be mad at me, etc, etc. Sigh. It probably isn't enough. But I need to send it to her and get some feedback so I can continue on. I am really trying to pep talk myself here.

This goal, this getting a degree, has nothing really to do with my life. It's not going to make anything easier. But it's going to give me a sense of completion. People rarely ask (maybe they should) why do you want to raise a child? It's not like it's going to benefit you financially. But there's a sense of accomplishment, and a sense of connection that you build from raising a child and having a family. Well, I won't be connected to my degree but I will have that sense of accomplishment. Maybe my degree will visit me on holidays. Send me cards. Happy Graduation Day, etc.

For a family that purportedly values education, my family is annoyingly short-sighted about what "counts" as a degree. Unless it's something that will be immediately practical upon graduation, like nursing or accounting, they consider a degree a worthless piece of paper, suitable for hanging next to the toilet. I don't really know how you get this dichotomy in a family.

Of course, these days education for education's sake is something only the wealthy can pursue, at least at a college level. I guess it was always like that, except for maybe a few brief years in the 70s when US tuition costs and financial aid packages achieved some sort of equilibrium with real-world wages.

But still my family values learning, even useless knowledge. Unless you have to pay for it.

Hello, there!

Hmmm. I thought I said something somewhere about not posting as often, because I planned to work on my senior thesis during July's Camp NaNo. Apparently, I didn't mention this. Whoops.

Well, I don't know if I can use Camp NaNo as an excuse, because I'm not getting as much done as I'd hoped. On the other hand, I have gotten more thesis-writing done than I have in a long time.

Meanwhile, my sleep is, well, I am still going to bed at the same time, more or less, but I'm sleeping a lot. As in 12 hours a night. Maybe I just need to accept that my body needs that much sleep. Pisses me off, though.

I started Adderall in the hopes that it would give me a "boost" during the day so I'd have energy to get things done. Still waiting.

Planning to go to yoga class again tomorrow. If I can get up in time. Oh, well, there are other classes that happen later in the day. It's not like there's any yoga shortage in my area.  Throw a brick, hit a yogi. The brick is an illusion, anyway.

Finding the right class is more challenging. My class was very good, a gentle beginner's class. But my instructor didn't ask me about any physical limitations I had. I usually adjust my poses to accommodate that (and my lack of flexibility in certain areas). But she came around adjusting students' postures at one point, and I had to yell out, "Rotator cuff!" before she started to push on my arm. Because I like my arm where it is: in the socket.

Ok, I'm going to sign off and try to give myself 30 minutes of writing time. Or procrastinate by taking a shower. Or pet the cat. The cat needs lots of pettings.

He purrs really loudly when you pet him, too.

Things are going well

After a month and a half of working on it, I think I may have gotten a good sleep pattern going. I'm going to bed around 9 pm, listening to podcasts for an hour or less AND THEN STOPPING, and waking up to my alarm at 6 am. This in itself is a miracle, since I usually turn off alarms of every kind, turn over, and go back to sleep.

I get up, make breakfast, then go outside to get my 30 minutes of sunlight. I bring my journal and a book. Lately, I've been working on The Case for God by Karen Armstrong.

I've had this book for ages and have only managed to get through a few chapters. Now I'm getting through it, a few pages at a time. It's kind of a history of religion, although she's also written A History of God. I'm kind of curious what the difference between the two books is. The Case for God documents how Western views on religion and its practice have evolved over time, and how our modern ideas of religion and spirituality are very different from primitive and early religion. She includes pre-monotheistic religion, Judaism, and Islam, and references Eastern religions but doesn't really delve deeply into them.

Anyway, provocative reading. I had considered reading Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion as a follow-up to get the other side of the argument. We'll see. I may just go back to another intriguing Dawkins book, The Ancestor's Tale, a fascinating look backward into evolution.

I've committed myself to an activity a day for the next three days, and I have tentative plans for Sunday as well. Yesterday I went to a yoga class. I survived the entire hour-long class, and really enjoyed it. It helps to have a group to exercise with.

All in all, my life feels pretty balanced at the moment. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

PS I'm also planning to devote this month to writing my senior thesis with the support of  my fellow virtual campers at Camp NaNo.