Busy bee!

I have been procrastinating again, writing this blog. Mainly because I really would like to write some serious posts about issues related to mood disorders. And that involves research. Which I also enjoy procrastinating on. I have a library book on depression that is about three weeks overdue, because every day I tell myself, "Today is the day I will take notes on that book."

If you don't hear from me, assume that I am in the library dungeon, being tortured for my delinquency.

So, meanwhile, things are happening that I will tell you about.

I've been getting into the swing of going to synagogue. Not too many other social activities, but people are very friendly there. It's stimulating on many levels: spiritually, socially, and intellectually. If we did yoga, it would hit physically as well, covering all the major human needs. Don't ask if there's food. Of course, there's food. Jews and food go together like lox and bagels.

I make a big decision this month: I took a break from therapy. I'm not unhappy with my therapist, she's great. And I told her about it beforehand, and she was cool with it. But I can get very dependent on a therapist, and all my social needs get met by them. I find myself thinking, "I can't wait to tell my therapist about this!" And that's when I know.

Not seeing my therapist hasn't hurt. I don't know if it has helped. I'm seeing her again next week, so we get to discuss it then.

My other real support is my sister. And that's a tricky relationship, because she's so depressed, and so hopeless about her condition.

I have been talking to long-distance friends both online and on the phone. Those conversations have been very satisfying. And I have received an invitation to stay with one friend in Virginia, near my sister and daughter, even for a month. Maybe more? I would like to move up there. But it's scary at the same time. So much planning and logistics. Oy.

Meanwhile, this weekend, I will be going all the way from Florida to New York City to join in the People's Climate March! I feel very brave. And very nervous. My stomach's in my throat, and I'm a bit jittery. It's a long drive. No, it's a looooong drive. With people I don't know, because the trip starts from Miami, south of me.

I think I mentioned before that environmental issues were important to me. I am very excited to participate in this rally for policy changes that will affect the way we treat the planet we live on, so that we can continue living on it. The planet will be just fine without us. We will not be fine without the planet's hospitality.

/end sermon.

Next week is the start of the High Holidays, so I am returning to Florida just in time to be swept away by that big event. Cooking, going to services, lots of services, and getting introspective about the year. Oh, yeah, like that last part's hard for me.

I hope I am strong enough to survive all this.

Me and Marvin

"The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into sort of a decline" Marvin the Paranoid Android, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I kind of like the TV version better

That's about the way that this year has felt to me. I've been kind of like a balloon the day after the party, when some of the helium has evaporated from it, and it settles to the floor. You can tap it or kick it, and it'll float for a minute, then slowly drift downwards again, answering the call of gravity.

I've rallied occasionally, but kept drifting back down again. But now, after struggling so much, I can finally feel my mood lifting.

I am also making some progress on my goals.

I'm still not showering as often as I need to, but I am brushing my teeth pretty much every day. This after visiting the dentist and having a good checkup, thank goodness. My sister recently visited the dentist after a long hiatus, and she has some very extensive and expensive work ahead of her. So that was definitely motivation to pay more attention to my dental hygiene. Also, the dental assistant was very nice and understanding. I told her it was difficult for me to get things done because of depression. She told me she understood; that her mother also dealt with depression. So she was gentle with telling me what to do, instead of lecturing me as many health professionals are prone to do.

My sleep pattern is still coming 'round the clock, but I am back on days, which means I get my sunlight in the morning while sitting on the patio next to the pool surrounded by palm trees. I have to be grateful for having such a pleasant location to enjoy.

I have been exercising more. Well, cleaning, actually. I believe that if you perspire, it counts as exercise. And I'm certainly working up a sweat. My parents have a huge house, and I haven't done much cleaning over the summer. They're coming home this week, so I'm doing the whole nine yards. Vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry....

And besides getting the house clean, the exercise is really lifting my mood, and helping me to sleep better.

I think my mood is also lifting because I'm looking forward to them returning. They've been away all summer, so the house is kind of empty, and I've gotten into a rut. Of course, I've been in a rut since January. Like poor Marvin, above, abandoned on a planet while a parking lot was built around him.

So, goals for the week, or for the next few days, at least:

I'm definitely going to take a shower today. I'm all sweaty from vacuuming, and I still need to mop.
Making dinner tomorrow for the parental units.
Going to synagogue on Saturday.
Also, I need to floss more.

umm, hi...

So, today I glanced at my blog dashboard, because even when I'm not posting because I have absolutely nothing relevant or useful to say or anything that I haven't whined about before because my life is a giant hole in the ground -- ahem. Let's start again.

Usually I write a post and publish it and there are a couple of pageviews, the little counter goes up a few notches, and then nothing. Which suits me fine. I haven't really gotten out there and pushed my blog. I messaged a few people on Facebook (hey, i have this little blog thingy), and that was it. Something called Feedspot reached out and grabbed my blog, and a few folks subscribed. Which was kind of nice. I keep planning to reach out and tell more people about it, as soon as it's "presentable." Which is of course one of those indefinite terms I keep handy to apply to any project I'm busy procrastinating on. Such as my thesis. And then of course, it never gets there, and dies a slow, painful death.

But getting back to today. I hadn't posted in a while, but suddenly there was an uptick of pageviews. I clicked away from the dashboard, then clicked back later, and there were MORE. So now I'm panicked because I don't know where all you folks are coming from, and I'm not ready, I haven't posted in ten days, I'm not even dressed, the house is a mess, and suddenly people are tromping through.

Maudie, get out the good china, we got comp'ny!

So, hi. I don't know where you come from, and many of you won't stay, but welcome to my little page of insanity and my struggle to be healthy.

There really hasn't been much to write about that I haven't written about already, and I hate writing in circles. I've kept a journal since I read Harriet the Spy at age 12. Sometimes I read back (not THAT far back) and it seems that I am writing the same thing over and over again, because I am stuck in the same hole that I've been stuck in for years and years. And, why write about it in a blog? I'll just wait for something interesting to happen. Some progress to be made.

Except that if I wait, I'll never post. Also, in every post I've made, I've made some kind of progress. Somehow the act of writing it out, getting the imaginary conversation out of my head where it spins and spins, and organizing my thoughts on a piece of paper or a web page seems to help me move a little further towards -- something.

If you're wondering who I am, besides the very short blurb I have on my profile page, I'm a 50-something woman, a mother and grandmother, a daughter and sister. I have studied several subjects at several universities and have not a single degree in any of them. I was diagnosed with depression in my teens, but it really didn't hit me hard until my late 20s. I have since learned that I am bipolar II, which is kind of on the spectrum between unipolar depression and bipolar I (what people think of as "classic" manic-depression). I like to write. I've always loved to write. Even though I'm depressed, I think that deep down I'm an optimist. I hold out hope that things can get better, and if not better, that at least there will be good days as well as bad. I don't take care of myself as well as I could, but when I'm depressed I don't really care about taking care of myself, so I fight a lot of inertia. I am trying to focus on creating a schedule to live by. I think that if I have a regular schedule, the inertia will go the other way -- that even if I don't feel like doing things, I'll do them anyway out of habit. Genius, right? 

Well, this has gone on long enough. Hello, welcome, leave a comment, send me an e-mail, or be on your way. I don't have any brochures, and I didn't have time to make cookies. Or put on pants. So please see yourself out, but feel free to come back any time. I'll try to make cookies next time. Or at least wear pants.