So I saw my therapist yesterday, yay, made the appointment two weeks in a row despite my sleep issues. We decided to try to do something different to motivate me to get out of bed and get going. We picked one activity per day that I wanted or needed to accomplish by leaving the house. Hoping that having something to look forward to will help me get up.
My psychiatrist also added Adderall to my list of meds as kind of a pick-me-up for the mornings. Except I haven't filled the prescription yet. So I guess that needs to go on my list of things to get out of the house for.
Other than that, things are about the same. I keep thinking of things that I'd like to do, but don't actually do them.
One thing I really need to tackle is my senior thesis for school. Not having a bachelor's degree at my age is really embarassing. I did the usual graduate high school, go to college route, but I ended up switching schools, switching back, then dropping out because I really didn't know what I wanted.
Looking back, I'm pretty sure that depression had a lot to do with this. I wasn't having much luck getting the support I needed at college. Usually if you go to the counseling center at a college, you will end up with a graduate student. After a short time, they will tell you that they can't help you any more. At Georgetown, this happened after six weeks. They referred me to a therapist "outside", but my class schedule did not mesh with their appointment schedule.
I considered dropping out mid-semester. I called my parents to tell them. My father called me back a few minutes later, and yelled, "How could you do this to your mother?" This was all the help they offered. I ended up deliberately not taking my finals and flunking out of the semester.
I only had another year to go.
Since then I've taken classes off and on at various institutions of higher learning. I have obtained a ridiculous number of credits. Again, depression has made it really challenging. At one point I lost financial aid because of my GPA. My low grades and high withdrawal rate were directly related to depression, not intellectual ability. I even failed a class mainly because I was on trazodone, which made me a walking zombie for a semester.
Finally I ended up as an Environmental Studies major at UVM. I got all the credits that I needed. All that was left for me to graduate was to write a thesis.
This isn't a small thing. But I've been putting it off for...a very long time. I'm supposed to write about two internships that I did. Well, internships is putting it loosely, really. By this time, my advisor has been willing to make all kinds of things stretch. Even she is aware that by this time, I really ought to have a degree.
I still don't feel like I deserve it. I'm afraid that I can't write something good enough. And that's even after I know full well that she is willing to work with me (well, she was as of the last time I talked to her) to get to an end product that is acceptable.
My self-doubt is really getting in the way of this. I'm trying to look at ways to get support for the writing. There's a Camp NaNo (I think I mentioned NaNoWriMo before) in July, and since NaNoWriMo got me through a 50,000-page novella, I'm hoping that I can get some support there to complete this project.
It's funny, because while there are people who understand how important this is to me, there are others who ask me, does this really matter? And that feeds into my self-doubt again. That's why I need to look for support from people who are willing to believe in this.
Well, I think I'm talking in circles here. Mostly I've been living in circles lately. I really, really want to break free.
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