Today hasn't been all that great so far.
After two days of waking up surprisingly early, I absolutely couldn't fall asleep last night. I was starting to wonder if I was actually flipping into mania, but after I finally fell asleep, I slept for 13 hours. So, no mania, but a wasted day. No, I didn't make it to Hands Across the Sand. I'm still trying to decide if it's worth it to take a shower. I did set daily showers as one of my goals this week. So far I've been doing well. If you're grossed out by the shower thing, well, sometimes depression really gets under my skin and says, why bother. If I stay at home as much as I have been doing lately, there's really nothing to shower for. And then it just becomes a habit. One that I am trying to get out of. So that's my goal today. After I finish writing this, I will take a shower. Then I will have accomplished two things on my goal list. Yay.
I feel okay, just a little disappointed in myself. Sometimes that disappointment can fold in on itself and mulitiply and turn into "why bother about anything?" So it's something that I have to watch out for. I'm writing this to come clean. I really want to hide it, but hiding's not healthy.
My sister woke me up, finally. She asked if I wanted to watch a movie with Mom. So we watched "The Book Thief." Usually I try to avoid movies with too much emotion, even though this intrigued me when I first saw trailers for it. My emotional state can be pretty fragile, and easily toppled by "deep" stories. I did end up crying -- if you've seen the movie, you'll know why. Probably if I think about it too much I'll end up sobbing. So I'll just summarily dismiss it by saying: War sucks. Death sucks. But people and books can be wonderful.
After two days of waking up surprisingly early, I absolutely couldn't fall asleep last night. I was starting to wonder if I was actually flipping into mania, but after I finally fell asleep, I slept for 13 hours. So, no mania, but a wasted day. No, I didn't make it to Hands Across the Sand. I'm still trying to decide if it's worth it to take a shower. I did set daily showers as one of my goals this week. So far I've been doing well. If you're grossed out by the shower thing, well, sometimes depression really gets under my skin and says, why bother. If I stay at home as much as I have been doing lately, there's really nothing to shower for. And then it just becomes a habit. One that I am trying to get out of. So that's my goal today. After I finish writing this, I will take a shower. Then I will have accomplished two things on my goal list. Yay.
I feel okay, just a little disappointed in myself. Sometimes that disappointment can fold in on itself and mulitiply and turn into "why bother about anything?" So it's something that I have to watch out for. I'm writing this to come clean. I really want to hide it, but hiding's not healthy.
My sister woke me up, finally. She asked if I wanted to watch a movie with Mom. So we watched "The Book Thief." Usually I try to avoid movies with too much emotion, even though this intrigued me when I first saw trailers for it. My emotional state can be pretty fragile, and easily toppled by "deep" stories. I did end up crying -- if you've seen the movie, you'll know why. Probably if I think about it too much I'll end up sobbing. So I'll just summarily dismiss it by saying: War sucks. Death sucks. But people and books can be wonderful.
I know what you mean about things folding up on themselves. Like one domino falling down, and taking others with it. I try to avoid certain films that I don't want to haunt me. I still have not seen Schindler's List. And Sophie's Choice scarred me for years.
ReplyDeleteI haven't dared see either of these movies. After I read Elie Weisel's "Night", I decided that I would not read or watch anything about the Holocaust again, not because I wanted to ignore it, but because I did not want to lessen the impact that his story had had on me.
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