Funny thing. When I am feeling better, I have a hard time remembering how I felt when I was depressed. I don't think I'm depressed today. I'm sleep deprived, because I'm really, really trying to turn my sleep around.
Keeping a regular sleep schedule is one of the non-medicinal ways to manage depression and bipolar. And I suck at it. The last time I had a regular sleep schedule was in February, when I was babysitting my granddaughter. My daughter woke me up at 7 am every morning, and I went to bed at 9 pm each night (I seem to need a lot of sleep).Since then, my sleep schedule has been all over the map. I go to bed at 6 am, wake up at 6 pm, then a week later I am going to bed at 8 pm, waking up at 7 am. I've had to cancel therapy appointments because I knew there was no way in hell that I would wake up in time for the appointment. Anyway, today I managed to get out of bed at noon, despite going to bed at 4 am and lying there awake until 6 am.
I'm going to keep a sleep log, so at least I can see where my sleep is going. I use this one (pdf). Speaking of tracking, and as a follow-up to my post about mood-tracking apps (and how they don't have one for Windows phone), I've signed up for MoodTracker.com. It's got some nice features, like sending text alerts to your mobile reminding you to take your meds, or to complete a daily mood record. Aaaand looking at the site, I just realized that I forgot my password.
Anyway, back to amnesia. And how I feel today. I just started this blog, and this morning I was having a lot of doubts about doing it. Feeling like my writing sucks, I'm too preachy, I don't have anything new to say. I also feel that if I'm going to write this, I want folks to read it, and so far I've only told two people that I'm doing it. So it's a well-kept secret.
I'll probably tell my therapist about the blog tomorrow, but she is a technophobe who doesn't use the computer. Seriously. They still have a typewriter in the office. I'll take pictures if you don't believe me.
But other than that, I'm feeling okay. I was just looking at some articles on PsychCentral, specifically this one about what to say to someone who's depressed. Some of the commenters are quite angry and frustrated. I remember those feelings, but I rarely experience them any more. I remember how angry I was in the beginning of the worst of my depression/bipolar, back in my twenties. I broke things. I threw furniture. At people. I'm surprised no one called the police. My family's only done that once, and that was when I walked out of the house and down the road. While angry. I went to Al-Anon meetings, and when they spoke about gratitude lists I wanted to punch someone. My life sucked so badly that I couldn't think of a single thing to be grateful for.
So maybe I've mellowed with time. Grown into the illness. Learned to accept it. Or maybe that's all bullshit and I'm just avoiding situations that make me stressed and angry. Because the last intimate relationship I had, three years ago, certainly had a lot of angry fights. And my sister and I have had our ups and downs since she moved back down here. Interestingly, we don't fight any more. We manage to support each other and tolerate each other's foibles. Mostly.
The big difference between my relationship with Sam and my relationship with my sister is that she accepts my illness. Sam always pretended it didn't exist. That's about the worst thing you can say to someone who's depressed. "You're not sick at all. You'll get over it." Well, it's been 27 years. I'm waiting.
How discouraging to have a relationship with someone who cannot empathize with you at all! During my marriage, I think my depression was somewhat submerged because my husband had been depressed for years. And much more seriously depressed than I have ever been. It's easier to relate when you have been down the same path of another, even though you may have taken different branches.
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