This is my brain on normal

My brain is like a dump site right now.

Really irritated at my sleep cycle. Or whatever it is. I just keep sleeping around the clock, going to bed later and waking up later, no matter what I do. I decide that it's because I sleep too long, so I try to sleep less, but I am not the easiest person to wake up. If I go to bed at the same time as the previous night (or morning), I end up lying in bed for two, three hours before falling asleep.

Maybe I need to invest in some more alarm clocks. I've tried a lot of them, but who knows?

This is getting to the point where it overshadows most of my other problems. I mean, it's kind of hard to see doctors or make any sort of plan when you have no idea when you are going to be awake. Already I have three appointments next week that I am in no way going to be able to make. I need to call and cancel them, and one of them is on Monday. With my psychiatrist.

I am going to call my regular doctor and see if she has any suggestions. Also I'm going to call the, um, er, lung guy (I suddenly forgot the word for this kind of doctor, I'm sure it will come to me) and ask him what the heck "poor sleep hygiene" is supposed to mean and what I'm supposed to do about it. I'm really pissed off about this. I also want a copy of my sleep study.

Pulmonologist. That's the word.

I did take a shower yesterday and get out to the store, spurred on by the absence of any diet soda in the house.

Another good thing this week was working on my thesis. I got it to a point where I felt that I could send it to my advisor. I e-mailed my advisor, and she responded, sure, send it on, and I promptly froze. I'm sure it's not enough, she's going to be mad at me, etc, etc. Sigh. It probably isn't enough. But I need to send it to her and get some feedback so I can continue on. I am really trying to pep talk myself here.

This goal, this getting a degree, has nothing really to do with my life. It's not going to make anything easier. But it's going to give me a sense of completion. People rarely ask (maybe they should) why do you want to raise a child? It's not like it's going to benefit you financially. But there's a sense of accomplishment, and a sense of connection that you build from raising a child and having a family. Well, I won't be connected to my degree but I will have that sense of accomplishment. Maybe my degree will visit me on holidays. Send me cards. Happy Graduation Day, etc.

For a family that purportedly values education, my family is annoyingly short-sighted about what "counts" as a degree. Unless it's something that will be immediately practical upon graduation, like nursing or accounting, they consider a degree a worthless piece of paper, suitable for hanging next to the toilet. I don't really know how you get this dichotomy in a family.

Of course, these days education for education's sake is something only the wealthy can pursue, at least at a college level. I guess it was always like that, except for maybe a few brief years in the 70s when US tuition costs and financial aid packages achieved some sort of equilibrium with real-world wages.

But still my family values learning, even useless knowledge. Unless you have to pay for it.