Now back to my irregularly scheduled post:
I tend to hide from the world a lot. This isn't entirely intentional. My weird sleep patterns prevent me from making plans because I have trouble showing up. Depression doesn't help much either. It's hard to get going and get out of the house.
Lately a lot of my human interaction has taken place over the internet. Mainly on Facebook. And a lot of it is just me "liking" stuff, reposting other stuff -- and just stuff.
My sleep is turning towards normal again and I'm perking up -- possibly due to adding Adderall to my medication cocktail -- and I felt moved to try and make some social plans. So I called the synagogue that I had been avoiding attending for the last year to make a reservation for an event they were hosting. The woman that I talked to was filling in for the secretary, but she took my information and everything seemed fine.
The reason I had been avoiding attending the synagogue is that, during the summer of last year, I made the mistake of thinking I was fine and overcommitted myself. This happens a lot when I'm in that other fun part of being bipolar: hypomania. I've never done anything extremely manic, I just feel really good and believe that everything is going to be great and, well, make promises my brain can't keep. I offered to fill a position on the board, started doing work, and then got depressed again and dropped out of sight. I finally touched base with the president a few months after, and explained about my depression, and he said it's good to hear from you, we'd welcome you back. Ok. And then I didn't go back because I was still feeling embarrassed about letting people down, and afraid of what they'd think of me. I'd barely connected there, and then I disappeared.
The secretary called me back today. She was all, where have you been and why do you want to come back now and very annoyed at me. Proving that my fears were justified. So I hung up and cried. Then I e-mailed the president and asked him whether or not I was still welcome there. He gave me his cell number, and when we finally connected, he went through the same rigamarole that the secretary had gone through. So I ended up in tears again. I said that I felt like he was angry at me, and he said, no, it's just that he speaks his mind.
He finally said that this was a big event with an enormous amount of people attending, and suggested that maybe it might be better for me to think about coming to a minyan* on Thursday. I agreed that it was a good idea. And he said that if I come I will see how much people miss me and appreciate having me there.
So that is my plan. Also to renew my membership. I hope people appreciate me being there.
In the meantime, I am also trying to make plans with some friends who live near me, but not near enough that it's easy to get together. I think that's also coming together.
I've made a few other social plans, too. Hopefully will be able to follow through. I don't like living in isolation. It just sometimes feels safer that way. It feels safer having a monitor screen between me and the people I interact with. Hello, you. But when I do get out, I generally enjoy myself. I need alone time, but I don't need to be isolated all the time.
*A minyan is the ten Jews that it takes to be able to say certain public prayers and to read from the Torah. So it's kind of shorthand to call a weekday prayer service a minyan.
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