well, hello there, or, the resurrection post

Greetings from the great state of Maryland, home of Edgar Allen Poe and birth state of Frank Zappa, Lewis Black, and David Hasslehoff!*

More importantly, the birth state and residence of my two granddaughters. And now also my home!

When I stated writing this blog back in 2014, I wrote a post about how much I wanted to be here (All I can speak is my truth.). And how it probably wasn't possible.

Well, the impossible happened, and I've been here a little more than a year now. In fact, I started moving here about the time I abandoned this blog.

It was a very spontaneous decision, but it has gone amazingly well. I'm working part-time and have had the same job for over a year (with some slight variations)

I am a LOT less depressed than I was in Florida. I think I'm less depressed than I've been since my twenties.

I think by consulting my journal for the last year, I can blog on my personal journey from depressed and unemployable to functioning and working.

Stay tuned.

*41 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Maryland.

Brushing off the cobwebs...

Oh, dear, it's been quite a while since I've posted. I wish I could say that I had a good excuse. Maybe I do. First there was the trip to NYC for the People's Climate March, then there were the Jewish holidays, which, in spite of what you might have heard, are still going on. First there's Rosh Hashanah, which occurred right after I got back from the PCM, so I plunged right into that. The next week was Yom Kippur. And right after you think it's all over, Sukkot pops up and kicks you in the ass! And it's an 8-day holiday, just like Passover. So we've just started that. Not that I've really done anything about it.

When I got back from NYC, I had a day of rest then jumped right into cooking and baking for Rosh Hashanah dinner. Even though the rest of my family isn't Jewish, they do celebrate with me, and even my sister is happy to come out of her hole for brisket (I told a friend of mine about the brisket, and she declared, "I am ready to convert just for the food!"). The next day I attended a crowded shul for the first day of Rosh Hashanah. And I haven't been back since. Skipped Yom Kippur services. Missed the first day of Sukkot today. And my sleep cycle is messed up again, so I'm not optimistic for the next two days either.

It's funny, I went out with friends a couple of nights ago, to see Guardians of the Galaxy and have a few beverages. Wow, that sounds so normal. Just like a real person. It was a lot of fun. Went with an old friend from high school and his wife of two years. Anyway, we were talking, and somehow we got on the topic of antidepressants. I have no idea how this occurred. Oh, yes, I do. Anyway, I mentioned that I was on them, and they asked why. I don't like to say I'm bipolar, because that conjures up images of people gambling too much, having risky sex with strangers, suddenly winding up in Las Vegas naked in a strange bed with no memory of how they got there. Ok, some of that may have applied to me on occasion. But I digress. I don't like to say I'm depressed either, because people think that's so mild -- everybody's depressed, they say. So I said I had bipolar depression. Why not make up a diagnosis? Although I think that label is pretty descriptive of bipolar II. Mainly depressed, sometimes functional, once a year making big plans.

So anyway, the woman says, oh, I've been on antidepressants, too, it's no big deal. And I felt just a bit more validated and accepted (oh, dear, validated is such a therapy word!), despite my depression. Everybody does go through down times. Sometimes the down times are really hard. Sometimes you don't get back up again. Which pretty much describes me. But I have been so reluctant to talk about it for so long, that "coming out" as someone with a chronic mental illness is so challenging, and keeps me from forming relationships, making plans. So many things.

 One thing I achieved during Yom Kippur was something I also did last year: a Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh. That means literally "an accounting of the soul." It's kind of like doing a Fourth Step in 12-Step programs (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves), and I use some fourth step materials as inspiration, as well as guides from Jewish sources.

I journal daily, ok, not daily, but whenever I can discipline myself enough to do it. And I'm pretty self-reflective. All the time. Maybe a little self-obsessed? So I'm always looking at who I am, what I am doing, how I could do better. But the Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh was important to me because I wanted to look over the entire year and see how much things had changed, or hadn't changed, from last year. What was better, what was worse, what stayed the same. So that's what I did. I wrote, then I looked at last year's Cheshbon Ha-Nefesh. And, hmmm. Well, some things have improved, some things have stayed the same. I don't think anything has gotten worse. One thing I wrote last year and this was about consistency. Forming habits and sticking with them. I blog a lot about my struggles with that. I think socially I've dropped some relationships and reinforced others and am making new ones. Spiritually I am struggling on the path of Judaism, and still seeking...something. Physically I'm not taking care of myself very well. And I waste a lot my time playing Facebook games.

I think I could have added a category, environmentally. How have I taken steps to live more lightly on the planet?

I guess I could think of a bunch more categories. But the good news is that it didn't depress me at all, which was my biggest fear.

I don't know what the next year will bring. I'm making plans for an extended stay near my daughter in Maryland. I'm looking National Novel Writing Month in the face, since it's next month. I'm really not planning too much farther than the end of the year at this point.

I have a lot to share here. A post I started about my experiences with the march. A couple of educational posts I keep chipping away at. And of course my usual blather about taking care of myself and how I don't do it. Even though Rosh Hashanah isn't like the secular New Year, where people make resolutions, I'm going to make one or two. One of my resolutions is to spend less time gaming and more time doing things like this blog. So let's see if I can do that.

Busy bee!

I have been procrastinating again, writing this blog. Mainly because I really would like to write some serious posts about issues related to mood disorders. And that involves research. Which I also enjoy procrastinating on. I have a library book on depression that is about three weeks overdue, because every day I tell myself, "Today is the day I will take notes on that book."

If you don't hear from me, assume that I am in the library dungeon, being tortured for my delinquency.

So, meanwhile, things are happening that I will tell you about.

I've been getting into the swing of going to synagogue. Not too many other social activities, but people are very friendly there. It's stimulating on many levels: spiritually, socially, and intellectually. If we did yoga, it would hit physically as well, covering all the major human needs. Don't ask if there's food. Of course, there's food. Jews and food go together like lox and bagels.

I make a big decision this month: I took a break from therapy. I'm not unhappy with my therapist, she's great. And I told her about it beforehand, and she was cool with it. But I can get very dependent on a therapist, and all my social needs get met by them. I find myself thinking, "I can't wait to tell my therapist about this!" And that's when I know.

Not seeing my therapist hasn't hurt. I don't know if it has helped. I'm seeing her again next week, so we get to discuss it then.

My other real support is my sister. And that's a tricky relationship, because she's so depressed, and so hopeless about her condition.

I have been talking to long-distance friends both online and on the phone. Those conversations have been very satisfying. And I have received an invitation to stay with one friend in Virginia, near my sister and daughter, even for a month. Maybe more? I would like to move up there. But it's scary at the same time. So much planning and logistics. Oy.

Meanwhile, this weekend, I will be going all the way from Florida to New York City to join in the People's Climate March! I feel very brave. And very nervous. My stomach's in my throat, and I'm a bit jittery. It's a long drive. No, it's a looooong drive. With people I don't know, because the trip starts from Miami, south of me.

I think I mentioned before that environmental issues were important to me. I am very excited to participate in this rally for policy changes that will affect the way we treat the planet we live on, so that we can continue living on it. The planet will be just fine without us. We will not be fine without the planet's hospitality.

/end sermon.

Next week is the start of the High Holidays, so I am returning to Florida just in time to be swept away by that big event. Cooking, going to services, lots of services, and getting introspective about the year. Oh, yeah, like that last part's hard for me.

I hope I am strong enough to survive all this.

Me and Marvin

"The first ten million years were the worst. And the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into sort of a decline" Marvin the Paranoid Android, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I kind of like the TV version better

That's about the way that this year has felt to me. I've been kind of like a balloon the day after the party, when some of the helium has evaporated from it, and it settles to the floor. You can tap it or kick it, and it'll float for a minute, then slowly drift downwards again, answering the call of gravity.

I've rallied occasionally, but kept drifting back down again. But now, after struggling so much, I can finally feel my mood lifting.

I am also making some progress on my goals.

I'm still not showering as often as I need to, but I am brushing my teeth pretty much every day. This after visiting the dentist and having a good checkup, thank goodness. My sister recently visited the dentist after a long hiatus, and she has some very extensive and expensive work ahead of her. So that was definitely motivation to pay more attention to my dental hygiene. Also, the dental assistant was very nice and understanding. I told her it was difficult for me to get things done because of depression. She told me she understood; that her mother also dealt with depression. So she was gentle with telling me what to do, instead of lecturing me as many health professionals are prone to do.

My sleep pattern is still coming 'round the clock, but I am back on days, which means I get my sunlight in the morning while sitting on the patio next to the pool surrounded by palm trees. I have to be grateful for having such a pleasant location to enjoy.

I have been exercising more. Well, cleaning, actually. I believe that if you perspire, it counts as exercise. And I'm certainly working up a sweat. My parents have a huge house, and I haven't done much cleaning over the summer. They're coming home this week, so I'm doing the whole nine yards. Vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry....

And besides getting the house clean, the exercise is really lifting my mood, and helping me to sleep better.

I think my mood is also lifting because I'm looking forward to them returning. They've been away all summer, so the house is kind of empty, and I've gotten into a rut. Of course, I've been in a rut since January. Like poor Marvin, above, abandoned on a planet while a parking lot was built around him.

So, goals for the week, or for the next few days, at least:

I'm definitely going to take a shower today. I'm all sweaty from vacuuming, and I still need to mop.
Making dinner tomorrow for the parental units.
Going to synagogue on Saturday.
Also, I need to floss more.

umm, hi...

So, today I glanced at my blog dashboard, because even when I'm not posting because I have absolutely nothing relevant or useful to say or anything that I haven't whined about before because my life is a giant hole in the ground -- ahem. Let's start again.

Usually I write a post and publish it and there are a couple of pageviews, the little counter goes up a few notches, and then nothing. Which suits me fine. I haven't really gotten out there and pushed my blog. I messaged a few people on Facebook (hey, i have this little blog thingy), and that was it. Something called Feedspot reached out and grabbed my blog, and a few folks subscribed. Which was kind of nice. I keep planning to reach out and tell more people about it, as soon as it's "presentable." Which is of course one of those indefinite terms I keep handy to apply to any project I'm busy procrastinating on. Such as my thesis. And then of course, it never gets there, and dies a slow, painful death.

But getting back to today. I hadn't posted in a while, but suddenly there was an uptick of pageviews. I clicked away from the dashboard, then clicked back later, and there were MORE. So now I'm panicked because I don't know where all you folks are coming from, and I'm not ready, I haven't posted in ten days, I'm not even dressed, the house is a mess, and suddenly people are tromping through.

Maudie, get out the good china, we got comp'ny!

So, hi. I don't know where you come from, and many of you won't stay, but welcome to my little page of insanity and my struggle to be healthy.

There really hasn't been much to write about that I haven't written about already, and I hate writing in circles. I've kept a journal since I read Harriet the Spy at age 12. Sometimes I read back (not THAT far back) and it seems that I am writing the same thing over and over again, because I am stuck in the same hole that I've been stuck in for years and years. And, why write about it in a blog? I'll just wait for something interesting to happen. Some progress to be made.

Except that if I wait, I'll never post. Also, in every post I've made, I've made some kind of progress. Somehow the act of writing it out, getting the imaginary conversation out of my head where it spins and spins, and organizing my thoughts on a piece of paper or a web page seems to help me move a little further towards -- something.

If you're wondering who I am, besides the very short blurb I have on my profile page, I'm a 50-something woman, a mother and grandmother, a daughter and sister. I have studied several subjects at several universities and have not a single degree in any of them. I was diagnosed with depression in my teens, but it really didn't hit me hard until my late 20s. I have since learned that I am bipolar II, which is kind of on the spectrum between unipolar depression and bipolar I (what people think of as "classic" manic-depression). I like to write. I've always loved to write. Even though I'm depressed, I think that deep down I'm an optimist. I hold out hope that things can get better, and if not better, that at least there will be good days as well as bad. I don't take care of myself as well as I could, but when I'm depressed I don't really care about taking care of myself, so I fight a lot of inertia. I am trying to focus on creating a schedule to live by. I think that if I have a regular schedule, the inertia will go the other way -- that even if I don't feel like doing things, I'll do them anyway out of habit. Genius, right? 

Well, this has gone on long enough. Hello, welcome, leave a comment, send me an e-mail, or be on your way. I don't have any brochures, and I didn't have time to make cookies. Or put on pants. So please see yourself out, but feel free to come back any time. I'll try to make cookies next time. Or at least wear pants.

 

If physical illness was treated like mental illness

The hamster wheel of bipolar depression

My pdoc said to me at our last appointment, "Bipolar depression is a lot more severe than unipolar." On the one hand, that's validating. On the other, it's depressing. Sometimes I look at folks who have depression and are still having relationships, working, having lives, and I feel so inadequate. Especially after a weekend like the one I just had.

I wrote a few days ago that I had gotten out of the house -- and showered -- three days in a row! And I had all these weekend plans, and was going to go to synagogue, Disney World, and the moon, and write a novel in two days...well, that didn't happen.

I decided that I would take Friday off. I hung out all day, basically doing the things I usually do, which is not much. Saturday dawned and I woke up late. 9 am. Not off to a good start, since I had planned to go to synagogue. Oh, well. It rained in the afternoon, as it does around here. I found myself hoping that it would continue raining, so I'd have an excuse not to go to the outdoor Woodstock event with the Meetup group (I had also invited some other friends, but I hadn't heard from them, so I figured that they had made other plans). By the time that I needed to leave, it really wasn't raining. But it was in my head. So I slouched on the sofa and watched TV instead. Sunday, I got up at 11, and the day was more of the same. Monday...I forgot it was even Monday.

I don't know if I need to take a day off for every day I get out into the world, or what. I don't know if I can get my sleep back on track, or how long it will take. I get so tired sometimes, even when I have enough sleep.

It's so very frustrating.

I did manage to leave the house today, and take another shower first (yay!). Went to Wendy's, then got groceries.

I don't really have a plan for tomorrow. Maybe I need to think one up.

The cat thinks I exist to pet him. I don't think that can be my raison d'etre, but at least I'm making one little furry person happy.